Treasure Beneath Inner Self

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Experience of life….to be with oneself.

I was hesitating when I was traveling on a bus to reach my destination that day.

I was unsure about everything which going to happen for next 11 days.

It was a noon time when I reached there and done all registration work. I got settled into my room which was going to be my place for next days, the place who’s going to witness all which no one else could.

After getting acquainted with the room, I went outside to look around the campus and it’s peaceful.I had my lunch and it was nice. I met few of my co-inmates of the campus who were going to stay and experience the same solitude, same silence as me.After greeting and meeting with everyone and an introduction group meeting with the teacher, it was the time.

Time to surrender me to noble silence, secluded myself from the real world , to experience something which was peaceful and relaxing, which I have not done in my lifespan.

I went inside the hall and sat on the assigned place which was on the floor with single light blue color sheeted mattress and a sitting pillow beneath.I was skeptical if I can sit on the floor having crossed legs without support because of my soar backache and knee pain. Amidst of my thinking , I heard welcome note and instructions on speaker given by legendary teacher (dhamma guru).His voice was so poised and calm which indicated that I was there for some serious business and not just for the mere experience. After one hour we dispersed to our allocated rooms to sleep and sink in the feeling of next coming days, this marked the end of the day and all the lingering thoughts.

Early morning, I got amazed to witness the morning moonlight with the bedsheet of shining stars and I made a point to witness them every morning till I was there before getting into complete seclusion.

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Mornings are beautiful is a fact, however, mornings are so silent is what I have experienced. When I tried to get myself up and ready for two hours concentration exercise, I found myself on the difficult road when I had to struggle between naps and meditation with soar body aches.This struggle had become the regular routine and couldn’t succeed until the end and this accomplishes me to be not a morning person 😉

The thing which kept me going with the struggle was the Morning Tea which I used to get as soon as I entered the living area for breakfast after the morning session.

Ahh…tea…true energy booster for me and the walk after into the campus surrounded by beautiful Aravali hills. Chirping birds were the only source of music allowed to listen and trust me that’s soothing…

After completing the daily morning chores ( included cleaning of the room and washing of the clothes along with the shower ) again go back to the complete aloofness and to do the actual work for which I was there.

Initially, the struggle span was large as not only I had to struggle with body demons but with thoughts as well which were bound to come like a pinball.However slowly and steadily I could see myself getting over with the struggle span and see the things which actually resided within me day in day out.The way I reacts externally is nothing different what I had experienced within.The facts which I thought defines me as a person were not just the assumption anymore but I had actually seen them brewing inside.Be it on the lower side, I got to know myself that I reacts in the same manner to the outside world as I’m dealing with my inner self.

In real I have experienced all these emotions within when I actually sitting on the meditation couch and dealing with the mind to not get wander and lost in the puddle of all nonsensical thoughts of past or future. How?

For initial days, whenever I used to sit for meditation with the determination to not get distracted by anything be it bodily and mind requirements or any outside distractions, I failed badly  as some thoughts or the other kept on ringing in my head and if somehow I managed to off guard those wandering thoughts, then my back and knee used to called me back from my inner world and I got frustrated and upset with myself.I found myself on low willpower whenever I used to give in easily to my bodily requirements.I have seen being very impatient and hard to myself whenever I did not get which I was supposed to.At times, when I could not concentrate even a bit, I have found myself being restless and distraught.

I have encountered my fear(fear of being caged may be as someone was badly holding me from my neck and arms and there were no way I could free myself from that invisible power) in the dream which I clearly remember, eww ..that was scary, has shaken me upside down and I couldn’t get back to sleep that night.The morning after, I couldn’t meditate as I was disturbed because of the dream, later I discussed with the mentor.As per her interpretation, it could be the negativity beholds within inner self and as the outburst of this exercise of purification it comes up in this way in order to hinder what I was doing in order to remove impurification from the mind(soul).I got one more alike dream night before yesterday where I felt cat was on me, near to my face and sucking my right hand’s fingers and held me from my neck so I couldn’t do more except the shouting.But soon I realized it was just a dream and then I checked my room and slept afterward…:)

Self-assumption leads to distraught and frustration.…whenever I was not able to meditate and wanted to get up and roam around i used to assume that it just few more minutes and after that bell would be rung and I will be out for small walk and with this thoughts I used to get frustrated and distracted with actual work of meditation and got so devastated and then when actually I got up for a break ,i felt like a loser as this break was kind a reward for atleast trying to meditate which is more like a Tap.

As part of the schedule, we had to sit in one single posture for one hour to build up the strong and determined willpower and that time I had experienced the level of my willpower which was pretty average.I’m still trying to work on this to increase my willpower.

The thoughts which wandered around were mainly from three sources: past happenings, future wishes, and my wants.

Well Well, amidst of all these realizations, I have realized few more things and that is I can believe on myself...yes the way I was progressing there day by day it was all because of my inner self, my mind helps me to do so..Now I can rely on myself for things at least I can try on my own..so yes I have started believing in myself and have faith in me(a bit though).

I have experienced the ounce of peace inside me and that moment is heaven trust me.

And not the least, it has cured my soar backache to some extent.yeyy

This whole experience was very fruitful for me.It taught me the technique which helps me being remained equanimous in life whatever be the circumstances( be it craving, aversion, attachment)

Equanimity is a bliss, not an easy habit but Im trying!!

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Unexplored Treasure

Took a long breath before pouring out my thoughts here.

So many thoughts are wandering in my tiny mind with no intentions to stop anywhere soon. I try to pen a few of them (on which I get a hold of.)

Sometimes I feel scared ..scared of ‘complete silence turns into loneliness’.I’m already a loner and now when I’m going to experience something which will surely take lone time I’m bit hesitant.

Do I really wants to do this, do I really wants to be isolated at this time, at this phase of my life.Is this really required to move forward in my life?

Close ones say this is the right decision which I have taken(not exactly, but this time I’m trying to own my decision no matter in what circumstances I have taken them), It might change my life a bit and might show me new directions of my life which are uncovered, undiscovered till date.This might help me to get in touch with my deeper self which apparently I wanted to meet for so long.

It’s true that sometimes I do wish for runaway, isolation from my own world to know my own self, then when I certainly got a chance why I have become skeptical about the same, why I’m not happy and excited about this very own experience of my life.Why I have no enthusiasm for getting what I strongly wish.

Maybe I’m in confusion, in doubt & in dilemma because this is the real situation which is in front of me and which is required to tackle by me and only me as an individual, as me (Priya)and not ‘me with my family‘(Priya Mehta)as it is the case for all the other situations, circumstances in my life till date.

There will be no one around me whom I can trust, no one will be there to guide me, to pacify me, to strengthen me, to support me, to love me, to need me, to miss me, to take care of me,to protect me, to scold me, to pamper me, to tease me, to get angry at me.

True there will be lot more people around me who will be from different culture, religion, region ,belief but they all will be human beings from this very own same planet earth which is the only thing needs to be consider but as we have created our own different world on this big planet we actually forgot to trust others . At least this is the case with me.I have grown up into a mature adult (to some extent) but till date, I don’t know how to put my trust in other people without my own people consent.Till date, I look up to my family to assure me that I’m doing Just Okay and I can trust other people, I can stay with totally unknown people around me.

Surely if I can surpass this experience of my life then I can achieve a bit in my life and make it worthful to live for my own self. My family won’t be near to me physically but I will be drawn by strength through them.They are and will always be my power, my strength of pillars.

And last and foremost  God is going to be my side as always all the time, holding my hands, guiding me from the darkness to the path of my light, my shine.

I just hope in this journey of complete Isolation, I could find myself or my belief /faith/hope in my self.

 

Signing Off, Take care, Doodles,

Will gonna miss my family,ma-pa, my sister’s, my jiju’s, my kidos badly…

PS: It’s only for 10 Days 🙂

 

Unsure

Unsure

Back again to stay for long.

Today as well I’m unsure about what I’m going to pen down.Unsure about where my thoughts leading me.Unsure what is still stuck with me.Unsure about myself and life.

I really don’t know why I’m stuck up with so much confusion, negativity within.A thing which amazed me is that after so much wandering still, I’m stuck on the same place holding same unknown and invaluable grudges with my life, with me.

I have started hating everything around me and within me.I have become oblivious to the world around, like a lifeless body roaming around.

It just only time is flowing like a floating river with its own up and down rhythmic movements unable to move me a bit like a rigid mountain.

I’m unsure about my life events, unsure of every step I’m taking toward positive life.It just takes one negative thought to bring me back to my own shitty shell of negativity.

I have a fear of doing anything which takes up all my strength, all my willpower, all my hardship..fear which is of I’m unsure about.

Unsure —ahh how much I want to remove this word from the dictionary only I know…

Hope… one day I can convert few of my unsure into sure shots…

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Not the First time

Not the First time

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It’s not the first time that I have decided to write about myself.I have wrote it so many times and deleted all those .I have shared my feelings with so many people that now I have actually made fun of my own feelings,my own emotions,my own tears.

Every time I feel low,negative about myself my life which is every alternative day or two I think to pen down or tell someone .and the purpose of doing all this is to get answers for myself,those answers which are there sumwhere inside me.I feel lonely,empty,worthless,useless.

All these negative feelings for myself and I m not doing anything to eliminate at least one of these feelings.

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I don’t want betrayal ,don’t want anymore heartache,I want peace and contentment but I m messy frustrated,angry,jealous and all this is killing me.

I need friendships,companionship, relationship, I need to be luved and want to luv myself . I want someone to pamper me when I feel low .someone to accept me and my anger,I want to be understand and to understand ,I want worth of my being,I need attention,care,affection,I need someone to love me ,I need life.I want to belong and not longing.I need my parents,my sisters,

I need all these things not for first time but I want all these for first time in my entire life….