Experience of life….to be with oneself.
I was hesitating when I was traveling on a bus to reach my destination that day.
I was unsure about everything which going to happen for next 11 days.
It was a noon time when I reached there and done all registration work. I got settled into my room which was going to be my place for next days, the place who’s going to witness all which no one else could.
After getting acquainted with the room, I went outside to look around the campus and it’s peaceful.I had my lunch and it was nice. I met few of my co-inmates of the campus who were going to stay and experience the same solitude, same silence as me.After greeting and meeting with everyone and an introduction group meeting with the teacher, it was the time.
Time to surrender me to noble silence, secluded myself from the real world , to experience something which was peaceful and relaxing, which I have not done in my lifespan.
I went inside the hall and sat on the assigned place which was on the floor with single light blue color sheeted mattress and a sitting pillow beneath.I was skeptical if I can sit on the floor having crossed legs without support because of my soar backache and knee pain. Amidst of my thinking , I heard welcome note and instructions on speaker given by legendary teacher (dhamma guru).His voice was so poised and calm which indicated that I was there for some serious business and not just for the mere experience. After one hour we dispersed to our allocated rooms to sleep and sink in the feeling of next coming days, this marked the end of the day and all the lingering thoughts.
Early morning, I got amazed to witness the morning moonlight with the bedsheet of shining stars and I made a point to witness them every morning till I was there before getting into complete seclusion.
Mornings are beautiful is a fact, however, mornings are so silent is what I have experienced. When I tried to get myself up and ready for two hours concentration exercise, I found myself on the difficult road when I had to struggle between naps and meditation with soar body aches.This struggle had become the regular routine and couldn’t succeed until the end and this accomplishes me to be not a morning person 😉
The thing which kept me going with the struggle was the Morning Tea which I used to get as soon as I entered the living area for breakfast after the morning session.
Ahh…tea…true energy booster for me and the walk after into the campus surrounded by beautiful Aravali hills. Chirping birds were the only source of music allowed to listen and trust me that’s soothing…
After completing the daily morning chores ( included cleaning of the room and washing of the clothes along with the shower ) again go back to the complete aloofness and to do the actual work for which I was there.
Initially, the struggle span was large as not only I had to struggle with body demons but with thoughts as well which were bound to come like a pinball.However slowly and steadily I could see myself getting over with the struggle span and see the things which actually resided within me day in day out.The way I reacts externally is nothing different what I had experienced within.The facts which I thought defines me as a person were not just the assumption anymore but I had actually seen them brewing inside.Be it on the lower side, I got to know myself that I reacts in the same manner to the outside world as I’m dealing with my inner self.
In real I have experienced all these emotions within when I actually sitting on the meditation couch and dealing with the mind to not get wander and lost in the puddle of all nonsensical thoughts of past or future. How?
For initial days, whenever I used to sit for meditation with the determination to not get distracted by anything be it bodily and mind requirements or any outside distractions, I failed badly as some thoughts or the other kept on ringing in my head and if somehow I managed to off guard those wandering thoughts, then my back and knee used to called me back from my inner world and I got frustrated and upset with myself.I found myself on low willpower whenever I used to give in easily to my bodily requirements.I have seen being very impatient and hard to myself whenever I did not get which I was supposed to.At times, when I could not concentrate even a bit, I have found myself being restless and distraught.
I have encountered my fear(fear of being caged may be as someone was badly holding me from my neck and arms and there were no way I could free myself from that invisible power) in the dream which I clearly remember, eww ..that was scary, has shaken me upside down and I couldn’t get back to sleep that night.The morning after, I couldn’t meditate as I was disturbed because of the dream, later I discussed with the mentor.As per her interpretation, it could be the negativity beholds within inner self and as the outburst of this exercise of purification it comes up in this way in order to hinder what I was doing in order to remove impurification from the mind(soul).I got one more alike dream night before yesterday where I felt cat was on me, near to my face and sucking my right hand’s fingers and held me from my neck so I couldn’t do more except the shouting.But soon I realized it was just a dream and then I checked my room and slept afterward…:)
Self-assumption leads to distraught and frustration.…whenever I was not able to meditate and wanted to get up and roam around i used to assume that it just few more minutes and after that bell would be rung and I will be out for small walk and with this thoughts I used to get frustrated and distracted with actual work of meditation and got so devastated and then when actually I got up for a break ,i felt like a loser as this break was kind a reward for atleast trying to meditate which is more like a Tap.
As part of the schedule, we had to sit in one single posture for one hour to build up the strong and determined willpower and that time I had experienced the level of my willpower which was pretty average.I’m still trying to work on this to increase my willpower.
The thoughts which wandered around were mainly from three sources: past happenings, future wishes, and my wants.
Well Well, amidst of all these realizations, I have realized few more things and that is I can believe on myself...yes the way I was progressing there day by day it was all because of my inner self, my mind helps me to do so..Now I can rely on myself for things at least I can try on my own..so yes I have started believing in myself and have faith in me(a bit though).
I have experienced the ounce of peace inside me and that moment is heaven trust me.
And not the least, it has cured my soar backache to some extent.yeyy
This whole experience was very fruitful for me.It taught me the technique which helps me being remained equanimous in life whatever be the circumstances( be it craving, aversion, attachment)
Equanimity is a bliss, not an easy habit but I‘m trying!!